It’s been two months since you left us and I’m only finding the courage and right words to express what I feel or how I have been coping. I’m not sure of the right words… but it feels something close to being “broken”. Oh yes, maybe I am broken. That day we lost you, you also took a part of me that knew and understood what unconditional love meant. I am lost.
I don’t know how and where to pick myself up. All I can ever think of is that I wish I was there. Regrets… Guilt… Pain… they have taken any positive and happy emotion that I have. I prayed that I can carry the pain you have been experiencing all these years. I want to make things easier for you like any good daughter. It would be selfish to wish that you should have stayed a little longer. Can I be a little selfish just this time when I have always been selfless?
HOW UNFAIR. I repeat over and over again, slowly getting mad at the world. You didn’t even wait for me. I wish I could have held your hand and told you how much I love you. All I have left are memories of you stuck in my heart and in my mind. I drown in the thoughts of you.
Everything in this house still smells like you. Every corner of this house reminds me of a funny or interesting story you have told us more than five times already. I can’t move. I’m stuck in this bed where we would play hide and seek. I don’t even bother to look around because there’s always a flashback of you. But slowly, I find myself pulled closer to your favorite chair which I haven’t sat on since I flew back. For the first time, I sat there quietly remembering you… oh my heart, I feel it shatter into a thousand pieces all over again. Dawg, I really don’t think I can go on without you. I secretly wish that you tell me what to do because you have always guided me.
Tears fall on my cheeks and I can’t seem to make it stop. I feel the weight of my eyes. I carry the responsibilities you left me but I also realize that I have no control. I have lost grasp of everything that kept me whole. I am at the darkest and lowest point of my life. (12/2020)
A snippet of Kristi's world 
so so sorry, it sounds like you are a very loving, caring person which must be something he gave you. Be happy for what he gave you and keep your precious memories. Thru memories people go on & others know them too.
not sure why my comment gets deleted. So sorry. I hope as time goes on you realize how lucky you were to have that unconditional love and support. Be good to people as you never know when they will be gone. And be good to yourself most of all.
How timely that I’m reading this now… thank you so much! It means a lot. 🙏🏼💙🥺